Kids Need to Know Their Parents, But Safety First

[Supervised Visitation]

Dear Nancy and Sid,

I’ve had some problems in the past and my kids’ other parent fears I’ll hurt them. The judge wants someone to supervise me while she decides what to do. I need to see my kids. -- Michael

Dear Nancy and Sid,

I’m so afraid their other parent is going to hurt my kids, how will the judge know whether the children will be safe? – The ‘good’ parent

Dear parents,

Sometimes an Integrated Domestic Violence or Family Court judge will want a program where a trained supervisor can ensure the child is safe and he can get a report on the interaction between the non-custodial parent and the children. There’s such a supervised program a judge may require a parent to attend at NYCID.

Dear Nancy and Sid,

I’ve just discovered that an old girlfriend had a baby and the paternity testing proves it’s mine. I’m prepared to be a father, but I’ve never met the child and the mother doesn’t trust me. How can I get to know my child in a place that the mother will feel is safe? –An unexpected father

Dear unexpected father,
Sometimes parents feel more secure when someone can supervise them when they’re establishing or re-establishing a relationship with their children. You may want to talk to a social worker about whether this program would be helpful to you.

You can read more about Supervised Visitation here.

When Co-Parenting, Kids Come First

Staten Island Advance/Hilton FloresAnthony Altobelli, in the background, poses with three of his four children, Lauren, 19, Anthony, 6, Christopher, 8. Newly divorced, the South Beach resident praises the Parent Assisting Children Through Transition course for teaching him to help his children adjust to a new life.

It’s easy to have tunnel vision when going through a divorce, getting wrapped up in who gets what and letting anger and despair color perceptions.

But when parents get swept up in their own drama, their judgment becomes clouded and they inadvertently neglect the most important part of the equation — their children, who are likely to have the toughest time dealing with the breakup of the family.

A state-run and monitored program helps divorcing/separating couples understand the devastating impact a divorce can have on kids and provide ways to diminish negative side effects.

Parent Assisting Children Through Transition, created by the New York Center for Interpersonal Development in 2006, provides a framework for reducing conflict, strengthening parent-child relationships and fostering children’s healthy development.

Though the majority of parents who participate in the six-hour course have been ordered by the judge presiding over their divorce to attend, those who wish to improve family dynamics and master new parenting skills can register, too.

Acting Supreme Court Justice Barbara Panepinto, who has handled thousands of divorce cases, says she usually sends couples to the course “when there is a disagreement about parenting” — i.e., a conflict over custody and visitation or, as the courts call it today, “parental access.”

HIGH PRAISE FOR COURSE

Anthony Altobelli, right with his 16-year-old son, Salvatore. 

The 50-year-old South Beach resident credits a course 

for helping him and his family cope with his divorce.

Anthony Altobelli says he’s blown away with what he learned in the course, so much so that he is determined to get the word out about the benefits.

“It’s an enlightening experience for anyone going through a separation,” the South Beach resident enthused.

The 50-year-old father of four admits he initially was reluctant to attend, but by the end of the class he felt revitalized. Altobelli believes the program gives people a blueprint “in how to rebuild your life and move forward.”

Though Altobelli says he “spends a lot of time” with his kids during the week — he explains he shares custody with his ex and is a manager and coach of his two youngest sons’ Little League teams — the course was a lesson in “how to put yourself second and your children first.”

He says he also learned how he and his ex-wife can handle joint celebrations like birthdays and holidays.

A Richmond mother, who wishes to remain anonymous due to the contentious nature of her divorce, says the class helped her to establish strategies to avoid conflict with her ex as well as understand what her children are going through.

“I know my son is stressed,” she says, confiding lately the 5-year-old has become a bit defiant, while her 13-year-old daughter has been struggling at school.

“That’s their way of acting out. They’re hurting inside,” she says. As she learned in the program, they struggle with articulating their feelings.

Nancy Nybergh, an instructor of the class and a licensed psychoanalyst who works for the city Department of Education, warns that the “level of conflict [between divorcing spouses] can have a huge impact on children’s success in life.”

Things like portraying a co-parent in a negative light or having heated arguments in front of the kids can have detrimental psychological effects on them.

To help co-parents avoid these destructive behaviors, Ms. Nybergh teaches them how to manage their anger, recognizing their triggers and identifying techniques to cope with it.

She also tries getting parents to identify with what their children may be experiencing, like believing the split somehow is their fault and wishing Mom and Dad will get back together.

“Once parents are aware of these things, they usually have empathy for their children,” she says.

Additionally, the course demonstrates to parents they are not alone in this difficult transition.

Notes Ms. Nybergh, “It has a normalizing effect as they process the emotions that come from divorce, such as grief and loss.”

HONING COMMUNICATION SKILLS

The psychoanalyst also works with parents in boosting their communication skills, teaching them how to paraphrase what the other person says to show they’re listening, and the importance of “I,” as opposed to “you” statements. Such as: “I get annoyed when you’re late dropping Johnny off — not “You’re always late dropping Johnny off,” which puts the other person on the defensive.

Altobelli says the class made him realize the importance of using these techniques, motivating him to “choose [his] words more carefully” and “think before [he] spoke.”

They have been especially effective strategies with his kids, he says, noting he now understands more fully what they are experiencing.

“It’s amazing, the change. We communicate a lot better now,” he says, adding it has led to other positive changes.

“You know these things in the back of mind, but the course really hit it all home,” he concludes.

By Elise G. McIntosh/Staten Island Advance. Published: Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Elise McIntosh, editor of the Relationships section, may be reached at mcintosh@siadvance.com.

© 2012 SILive.com. All rights reserved.

GPS students at Port Richmond H.S. help deliver turkeys for Thanksgiving

Not every family can afford a Thanksgiving with all the fixings, but this year the 110 members of New York Center for Interpersonal Development's Graduate, Prepare, Succeed (GPS) program at Port Richmond H.S. made sure each student had a delicious meal to share with their family.

Students packaged turkeys and all the fixings (which were were generously donated by North Shore Rotary Club, ShopRite of Staten Island and UFCW Local 1500) and assisted NYCID staff in making deliveries to the homes of their fellow classmates.

This experience was most rewarding and surprising to both staff and students as we witnessed and experienced the compassion, cohesion and community among GPS members. In addition, this opportunity enlightened and educated students about the need within their community.

Service learning promotes pride, esteem and worth to all individuals involved.  There are three key benefits to service learning:

1. It builds positive school community
2. It teaches students to respect themselves and others more, and 
3. It changes the misperceptions students may have for their peers. 

Family involvement is essential for our program to thrive and to affect change in our students’ lives. Adolescence is a pivotal time when identity and individuality is molded by influence. We believe this process enriched and positively influenced both the families who were thankful in receiving, and the students who were more than willing to give of themselves.

(Read more about the GPS and Advantage After-School programs at Port Richmond H.S. here.)

The Bach Family: Raising Young Philanthropists:

Nine year-old Henry Bach (who participates in our After-School Enrichment Program at P.S. 30 along with his sister Madelyn) pledged $100 to NYCID at our Annual Benefit this past June.  We were so impressed with both Henry and his sister Madelyn's generosity that we asked them, and their father Ken, to share their stories with us.

Henry

How old are you & what grade are you in?  I'm nine and I'm in fourth grade.

What activities do you participate in through NYCID’s After-School Program?  I did fencing and Legos. Legos was kind of boring because it wasn't really Legos and fencing was awesome. I got to sword fight with some of my best friends and learned that fencing is a lot like light sabers. 

What are your favorite hobbies/subjects?  My favorite hobbies include basketball and baseball. My favorite subject is social studies because we get to learn about presidents and do interesting research on them. 

How did you raise the money you donated?  I've made lemonade stands with my sister and I save my birthday money. If my dad offers me $5 to spend at the dollar store, I usually only spend one or two. 

Why did you want to donate? What inspired you to want to give to NYCID?  I wanted to donate because my dad works with people at NYCID and it helps my school. It helps me make friends in the programs.  I want to compliment Dominick and the man from Camelot on how nice they were. 

What do you hope the money you donated will accomplish?  I hope the money makes more programs to help more people and make them happy. I hope it keeps people out of hobo shelters. Giving the money makes me a better person. 

Madelyn made the winning bid on the silent auction item for a party at the Staten Island Zoo

How old are you & what grade are you in?  I am ten years old and I'm in fifth grade.

Madelyn Bach

What activities do you participate in through NYCID’s After-School Program?  When I was in fourth grade I participated in the drama program. It was fun because I made new friends. Also we did fun exercises. I learned “Bruno the Bear sits in the sun munching lots of honey buns.”  We had to say it in a funny voice to exercise our voices.

What are your favorite hobbies/subjects?  I like to sing and dance. My favorite subject is PE because you're sitting in a classroom all day and you get to exercise and hang out with your friends. I like art class because you learn about artists and you learn how to paint.

How did you raise the money you donated?  My friend and I sold lemonade from her front yard to the neighborhood and some really annoying and gross kids. But money is money! I also save my money from my birthday.

Why did you want to donate? What inspired you to want to give to NYCID?  I donated money because I wanted to help support the program and help families in trouble and because I really wanted a Zoo party.

What do you hope the money you donated will accomplish?  I hope the money I donated can help people.

Their Father, Ken Bach, Shares His Perspective

How did you teach your children about charitable giving? Leadership by example is more than a catchphrase on a motivational poster. Children are amazing.  They learn from every clue around them.  I haven’t taught them about charitable giving – they have learned by what we do.

Through Rotary, I have been giving back to the community for many years.  My children ask about Rotary and where I am going. I always tell them, “I am going out to change the world!”  Later, as we drive around the island, I show them where we’ve served holiday meals to the homeless, where we assembled turkey baskets and the neighborhoods we deliver to, and the parks that we help maintain.  This year, they are both eager to join me on these and other projects. 

Often we get, “Why do we need a babysitter again tonight?” Well, a frequent response begins with “Because Mommy and Daddy are going to a fundraiser.”  We let them know the goal might be to help raise scholarships for really smart students who can’t afford college or the local Boy Scout troop or children with autism.  When they heard we were attending the NYCID event, and that it was the organization that ran the after-school programs that touched their lives, there was no keeping them away.

Ken and Henry Bach

Were you surprised by Madelyn & Henry’s actions at our benefit? I was surprised at how comfortable they felt at the event, and that Henry actually chose to wear a button down shirt without being asked.  Madelyn was intrigued by the silent auction items, and I was proud that she came to us and informed us that she wrote her name on the item of her choice.  We approved her bid amount and she was amazed she won, especially since Mom and Dad won nothing.

And yes, I was shocked by Henry’s energetic and unanticipated hand raising at the $1,000 challenge request, amused at his persistence down the scale, and proud of his $100 contribution.  They still talk about the event, further spreading the culture of giving with their friends.   

Do you talk with them about people that need help? Given my job, family activities and our community, there are always conversations.  Part of parenting is helping the children to make sense of the millions of clues they need to assimilate.  It is important my children acknowledge they may not have as many material goods as some, but that they do have more than many.  They know when to accept help and when to provide help.  

Is this the first time they’ve made charitable contributions?  Henry and Madelyn have a long history of compassion and giving back, although this was the first time in such a sophisticated setting.  While attending elementary school in upstate NY, Madelyn hosted a web-based TV show where she interviewed the administration and staff.  She was honored by the City of Kingston for her artwork, which was later placed into a gallery that helped raise awareness of the dangers of swimming after the unfortunate drowning of an eight-year-old.  Madelyn and Henry also organized sledding parties where kids brought new, wrapped toys that we delivered to local children in need.   Recently, Madelyn hosted a lemonade stand to raise money for her CYO basketball team, and they both want to volunteer for the Parks Department.

Do you have any advice for others?  As you enjoy the company of friends, remember those who are lonely.  As you embrace your family, remember those who are in conflict.  As you sit down to dinner, remember those without a meal.  Donate and help make a difference.  Volunteer and change a life. You may be surprised that the life that most benefits from the change is your own.   

Is there anything else you would like to share?  NYCID’s outreach programs provide a rich after-school curriculum to help expand a child’s horizons for working and stay-at-home parents, and their conflict management programs help people learn how to emerge victorious from a seemingly hopeless situation.

Also, walk the Greenbelt. Look at the nighttime sky. Relearning our place in the universe is a great way to put our existence into context.

Do you have some suggestions about how to grow young philanthropists? Please share them in the comments below.

Developing the Habit of Philanthropy in Children

Here are some additional resources for helping to teach children about philanthropy:

• 10 Great Philanthropists Who Are Kids

You'll love these young philanthropists. They will inspire you, as they have inspired us.

Here's one of our favorites, #3 Timothy Hwang and Minsoo Han:

In 2007, Timothy Hwang and Minsoo Han started Operation Fly, when they were only 14 years old. Their non-profit business offers cut-rate tutoring services to inner city students, and then uses the revenues to distribute blankets, clothing and soap to Washington D.C.’s homeless. Their organization has since spread to five cities, involves over 800 volunteers and is entirely student-run. For his efforts, Ernst & Young and Junior Achievement named Timothy Hwang the 2009 Youth Entrepreneur of the Year for the Greater Washington Region. 

Here are some additional links.

• Learning to Give


• Talk About Giving


• Charity: How to Teach Your Kids To Give
  From CBS Money Watch
  


• 9 Ways to Teach Your Child About Charity
  From Parents Magazine


• Not Your Parents’ Money Book
  By Jean Chatzky of the Today Show 


• Five Great Ways to Teach Your Child About Philanthropy
  


• 65 Easy Ways For Kids to Make A Difference!
  By HandsOn Network’s blog


• Pennies for Elephants – How to raise budding philanthropists


• We Give Books Poll on Reading and Giving
  By the Pearson Foundation
  

NYCID Summer Camp at the SI School for Civic Leadership

NYCID 2011 Summer Camp Flyer

Co-Parents Need To Learn How To Share

Reprinted from the SI Advance.

Co-parents need to learn how to share
By: Elise G. McIntosh

STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. -- Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, New Year’s — they can be a landmine for co-parents to navigate. Just-divorced exes, not yet settled into a co-parenting groove, especially may struggle with ironing out who will get the kids during the holidays and other issues that crop up.

Sequoia Stalder and Cara Raich, partners at Stalder Raich, a Manhattan-based family and divorce mediation firm, say the key to co-parenting during the holiday season — anytime, really — is plenty of planning and communication.

Stalder, who also serves as the director of Conflict Resolution Services at New York Center for Interpersonal Development in St. George, suggests co-parents speak about the holidays well in advance so everyone — including the kids — has clear expectations about what’s going to happen on those days.

When making arrangements, he suggested co-parents have the conversation close enough to the holiday to have a realistic idea about plans but far enough to make modifications, if need be.

“It differs for each family,” he said, but generally planning six to eight weeks before the holiday works well.

Stalder also said having a yearly holiday plan in place — while still remaining flexible for the surprises that inevitably come up — can help reduce stress and aggravation.

Ms. Raich noted many co-parents they have counseled alternate having the children for the holidays.

Each family has to decide which method works best for them, but one system that works well is switching according to the calendar year. For instance, Dad gets the kids for Christmas during years that end in even numbers while Mom has them during odd-numbered years.

Ms. Raich says it also is helpful for co-parents to view the holidays as a block of time that can be divided up. Christmas, for example, may be broken up into eve, morning and night, giving kids the opportunity to spend a portion of the holiday with both Mom and Dad.

Co-parents also should discuss the logistics of picking up and dropping off the children during the planning stages, said Ms. Raich.

“Be as specific as you can,” she said, explaining, “Discussing the small details can help in diffusing conflict.”

Flexibility and a forgiving attitude also go a long way. If your ex is late or suddenly makes a change to the plans, “try not to access the angry place first,” said Ms. Raich.

Rather, she encourages an ex-spouse to see it from his/her co-parent’s perspective and try to understand why he or she needed to revise the plan.

When picking up/dropping off the kids to/from a holiday celebration, avoid having an involved conversation with your ex.

“This is not the time to have a substantial talk,” Ms. Raich said.

Stalder said co-parents need to be mindful of their communication. If a hostile tone starts creeping into the conversation, make sure the kids aren’t within earshot.

“You don’t want to expose them to your conflict,” he explained, noting it can do damage, emotionally.

To avoid getting into a heated discussion, Stalder recommends “I” messages.

“Focus on your feelings versus accusations,” he said. “Really try to express what’s important to you rather than blaming the other side.”

If tensions between you and your ex continue to flare, it may be prudent to have a consultation with a mediator like Stalder and Ms. Raich, who work with co-parents in reaching mutually beneficial solutions.

The New York Center for Interpersonal Development also has a family mediation program that helps divorcing spouses deal with custody and visitation issues. The services are free to Staten Islanders. To learn more, call (718) 815-4557 and ask for the Mediation Center or visit nycid.org.

Class helps co-parents deal with their issues | SILive.com

Last week our ACT class received some nice press in the SI Advance.

Class helps co-parents deal with their issues | SILive.com: "Class helps co-parents deal with their issues
By Elise G. McIntosh
February 25, 2010, 4:03PM

Feuding with your co-parent? The New York Center for Interpersonal Development has just the class for you.

Parent A.C.T. (Assisting Children through Transition), the Staten Island component of the state-run Parent Education and Awareness Program, is designed to educate divorcing or separating parents about the impact of their breakup on their children.

The primary goal of the program is to teach parents ways they can reduce the stress of family changes and protect their children from the negative effects of ongoing parental conflict.

'The main themes of the program are to help parents reduce conflict through better communication and conflict-resolution skills and gain more awareness on how putting children in the middle can negatively affect them,' said Regina Shields, coordinator of the class.

The workshop is offered either as a six-hour class on Saturdays or two three-hour classes during weekday evenings.

Ms. Shields also said the class can help parents acknowledge all the negative emotions they are feeling after a drawn-out divorce process.

'Next to death, this is the most traumatic experience a family can go through,' she said, noting parents may be so focused on their own feelings of frustration, guilt, blame and depression that they forget their kids are suffering just the same. Ms. Shields said this realization is a 'real eye-opener' for co-parents.

Communication also is a big focus of the class. Participants learn about active listening, speaking calmly, 'I' statements – 'all the things that can really help de-escalate the conflict quickly,' she said.

The class also helps participants identify their goals as co-parents.

'Nine out of 10 times people are much happier and come out of the class understanding the situation much better,' said Ms. Shields.

For more information or to enroll in the class, call 718-947-4048. The cost is $100; there is a sliding scale fee."

Image cropped from a photo by Ed Yourdon