Kids Need to Know Their Parents, But Safety First

[Supervised Visitation]

Dear Nancy and Sid,

I’ve had some problems in the past and my kids’ other parent fears I’ll hurt them. The judge wants someone to supervise me while she decides what to do. I need to see my kids. -- Michael

Dear Nancy and Sid,

I’m so afraid their other parent is going to hurt my kids, how will the judge know whether the children will be safe? – The ‘good’ parent

Dear parents,

Sometimes an Integrated Domestic Violence or Family Court judge will want a program where a trained supervisor can ensure the child is safe and he can get a report on the interaction between the non-custodial parent and the children. There’s such a supervised program a judge may require a parent to attend at NYCID.

Dear Nancy and Sid,

I’ve just discovered that an old girlfriend had a baby and the paternity testing proves it’s mine. I’m prepared to be a father, but I’ve never met the child and the mother doesn’t trust me. How can I get to know my child in a place that the mother will feel is safe? –An unexpected father

Dear unexpected father,
Sometimes parents feel more secure when someone can supervise them when they’re establishing or re-establishing a relationship with their children. You may want to talk to a social worker about whether this program would be helpful to you.

You can read more about Supervised Visitation here.

Co-Parents Need To Learn How To Share

Reprinted from the SI Advance.

Co-parents need to learn how to share
By: Elise G. McIntosh

STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. -- Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, New Year’s — they can be a landmine for co-parents to navigate. Just-divorced exes, not yet settled into a co-parenting groove, especially may struggle with ironing out who will get the kids during the holidays and other issues that crop up.

Sequoia Stalder and Cara Raich, partners at Stalder Raich, a Manhattan-based family and divorce mediation firm, say the key to co-parenting during the holiday season — anytime, really — is plenty of planning and communication.

Stalder, who also serves as the director of Conflict Resolution Services at New York Center for Interpersonal Development in St. George, suggests co-parents speak about the holidays well in advance so everyone — including the kids — has clear expectations about what’s going to happen on those days.

When making arrangements, he suggested co-parents have the conversation close enough to the holiday to have a realistic idea about plans but far enough to make modifications, if need be.

“It differs for each family,” he said, but generally planning six to eight weeks before the holiday works well.

Stalder also said having a yearly holiday plan in place — while still remaining flexible for the surprises that inevitably come up — can help reduce stress and aggravation.

Ms. Raich noted many co-parents they have counseled alternate having the children for the holidays.

Each family has to decide which method works best for them, but one system that works well is switching according to the calendar year. For instance, Dad gets the kids for Christmas during years that end in even numbers while Mom has them during odd-numbered years.

Ms. Raich says it also is helpful for co-parents to view the holidays as a block of time that can be divided up. Christmas, for example, may be broken up into eve, morning and night, giving kids the opportunity to spend a portion of the holiday with both Mom and Dad.

Co-parents also should discuss the logistics of picking up and dropping off the children during the planning stages, said Ms. Raich.

“Be as specific as you can,” she said, explaining, “Discussing the small details can help in diffusing conflict.”

Flexibility and a forgiving attitude also go a long way. If your ex is late or suddenly makes a change to the plans, “try not to access the angry place first,” said Ms. Raich.

Rather, she encourages an ex-spouse to see it from his/her co-parent’s perspective and try to understand why he or she needed to revise the plan.

When picking up/dropping off the kids to/from a holiday celebration, avoid having an involved conversation with your ex.

“This is not the time to have a substantial talk,” Ms. Raich said.

Stalder said co-parents need to be mindful of their communication. If a hostile tone starts creeping into the conversation, make sure the kids aren’t within earshot.

“You don’t want to expose them to your conflict,” he explained, noting it can do damage, emotionally.

To avoid getting into a heated discussion, Stalder recommends “I” messages.

“Focus on your feelings versus accusations,” he said. “Really try to express what’s important to you rather than blaming the other side.”

If tensions between you and your ex continue to flare, it may be prudent to have a consultation with a mediator like Stalder and Ms. Raich, who work with co-parents in reaching mutually beneficial solutions.

The New York Center for Interpersonal Development also has a family mediation program that helps divorcing spouses deal with custody and visitation issues. The services are free to Staten Islanders. To learn more, call (718) 815-4557 and ask for the Mediation Center or visit nycid.org.

NYCID Supervised Visitation Program Receives Northfield Grant

Supervised Visitation – Northfield Bank Foundation presented a $12,000 check to the New York Center for Interpersonal Development for its Supervised Visitation program.  Pictured (from left to right) are: Northfield Bank Foundation Executive Director Diane Senerchia; Northfield Bank Foundation Chair Susan Lamberti; NYCID Executive Director Dominick Brancato; and NYCID Supervised Visitation Program Director Erin Neubauer-Keyes.

What's supervised visitation? Read about it here.

Being Reflective - Recent Statistics

In the Dispute Resolution field, whether as a mediator, negotiatior or other conflict engager, it is always important to reflect on our practice and to debrief after action.

Recently, the Community Mediation Program had the opportunity to examine the work that it has done and found a few noteworthy points about our practice.

· 88% of all complaints are appropriate for mediation

· 91% of all scheduled mediations are held

· 87% of all sessions held achieve resolution

In addition, we found the follwing about the past year's worth of service:

· The Small Claims Pilot Program increased direct services within Civil Court by 200%.

· $878,491.72 was awarded, entered into judgment or restitution paid through dispute resolution services. (March 2006-2007)

· The Supervised Visitation Program provided a total of 12,816 direct client contact hours to 43 families. (September 2004 to December 2006)

· Participants in the Assisting Children Through Transition (ACT) Parent Education Program said,

o 81% of parents indicated a greater understanding of how children are affected by the break up or divorce; and

o 89% stated that they learned valuable ways to help strengthen their relationship with their children

For more informatio about any of these programs, contact us at 718-815-4557. We look forward to working with you.

Is my child going to be safe visiting his other parent?

Such sentiments are often expressed in situations of intense conflict when parents are separated, divorcing or in court. The root of these sentiments exist on a continuum from:

• concern over parenting skills
• concern over an appropriate visitation environment
• concerns for safety of self and child

What are the options of parents? One option might be supervised visitation.
Supervised Visitation is a service that provides non-custodial parent and child(ren) a safe and comfortable environment. The visits are in the presence of a third person who is responsible for observing and reporting the interaction between the child, the custodial parent, and the non-custodial parent.
New York Center has been operating a Supervised Visitation Program since September 2004. Our program was started to provide neutral parenting services to clients in the Integrated Domestic Violence Court. Since that time, many other individuals have contacted us to request services. The Supervised Visitation Program is addressing a critical need on Staten Island to keep families unified and strong, and children bonded to and nurtured by their parents.

Read our announcement about the Supervised Visitation Program here.

Click here to find out about Supervised Visitation on a national basis.