Assist Children through Family Separation

What is A.C.T. – For the Children? (Assisting Children Through Transition)

A.C.T. – For the Children is a program designed to educate parents about the impact of their divorce, separation or breakup on their children. The primary goal of the program is to teach parents ways they can reduce the stress of family changes and protect their children from the negative effects of ongoing parental conflict.

FEEDBACK FROM PARENTS WHO COMPLETED THE CLASS: 

“It’s amazing, the change. We communicate a lot better now,”  

“This program changed our lives. It gave us all a new direction…one of hope and healing. I see too many people oozing with anger…I don’t want to go there anymore.”

“It’s an enlightening experience for anyone going through a separation.”

 A child whose parents attended A.C.T. said, “I can see a big difference. They can talk to each other now without yelling. That helps a lot. My stomach doesn’t hurt as much and I can concentrate better in school”

IS THIS PROGRAM FOR EVERYONE?

You may be required to attend this class if you are the parent of a child under the age of eighteen and are involved in a custody, visitation, divorce, separation, annulment or child support court action or proceeding.

Please note that the Parent A.C.T. Class may not be appropriate when domestic abuse is present. If you are involved with an abusive partner, you should leave a message for the A.C.T. Program Administrator at (718) 947-4048 for further information.

This class is also open to parents interested in learning conflict management skills for improving family dynamics.  You don’t have to be involved in court proceedings.

 Please note, you will not be placed in the same class as your ex-partner.

WHAT IS THE PROGRAM FORMAT?

The 6-hour program features lecture, video and group activities. Classes are limited to 30 participants. This program does not provide counseling or support services.. 

Participants receive the Parents’ Handbook and the Parent’s Resource Guide which contains materials, articles, and a listing of sites for help and support for parents and children.

Classes are offered monthly by psychologists, family therapists, social workers, judges, lawyers and mediators. Information on class dates, times and location will be provided at the time of intake and registration.

 

IS THERE A FEE FOR THE PROGRAM?

• The program fee is $100.
• A sliding-scale discount based upon income is available for eligible clients. Eligibility will be determined at intake.
• Acceptable methods of payment are cash, money order, or a credit card using our online Paypal link.

WHAT ARE THE ATTENDANCE REQUIREMENTS?

• Pre-registration is required for all classes and walk-ins are not accepted.
• If you need a Certificate of Compliance, you must attend the full 6 hours.
• If you are unable to attend a class for which you have registered, you will need to re-register for another class.
• Children are not permitted to attend classes.

For more information or to register, please contact:

Parents Assisting Children Through Transition
NY Center for Interpersonal Development
ACT Program Administrator
130 Stuyvesant Place, 4th Floor
Staten Island, NY 10301
Tel: (718) 947-4048 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting            (718) 947-4048      end_of_the_skype_highlighting 

When Co-Parenting, Kids Come First

Staten Island Advance/Hilton FloresAnthony Altobelli, in the background, poses with three of his four children, Lauren, 19, Anthony, 6, Christopher, 8. Newly divorced, the South Beach resident praises the Parent Assisting Children Through Transition course for teaching him to help his children adjust to a new life.

It’s easy to have tunnel vision when going through a divorce, getting wrapped up in who gets what and letting anger and despair color perceptions.

But when parents get swept up in their own drama, their judgment becomes clouded and they inadvertently neglect the most important part of the equation — their children, who are likely to have the toughest time dealing with the breakup of the family.

A state-run and monitored program helps divorcing/separating couples understand the devastating impact a divorce can have on kids and provide ways to diminish negative side effects.

Parent Assisting Children Through Transition, created by the New York Center for Interpersonal Development in 2006, provides a framework for reducing conflict, strengthening parent-child relationships and fostering children’s healthy development.

Though the majority of parents who participate in the six-hour course have been ordered by the judge presiding over their divorce to attend, those who wish to improve family dynamics and master new parenting skills can register, too.

Acting Supreme Court Justice Barbara Panepinto, who has handled thousands of divorce cases, says she usually sends couples to the course “when there is a disagreement about parenting” — i.e., a conflict over custody and visitation or, as the courts call it today, “parental access.”

HIGH PRAISE FOR COURSE

Anthony Altobelli, right with his 16-year-old son, Salvatore. 

The 50-year-old South Beach resident credits a course 

for helping him and his family cope with his divorce.

Anthony Altobelli says he’s blown away with what he learned in the course, so much so that he is determined to get the word out about the benefits.

“It’s an enlightening experience for anyone going through a separation,” the South Beach resident enthused.

The 50-year-old father of four admits he initially was reluctant to attend, but by the end of the class he felt revitalized. Altobelli believes the program gives people a blueprint “in how to rebuild your life and move forward.”

Though Altobelli says he “spends a lot of time” with his kids during the week — he explains he shares custody with his ex and is a manager and coach of his two youngest sons’ Little League teams — the course was a lesson in “how to put yourself second and your children first.”

He says he also learned how he and his ex-wife can handle joint celebrations like birthdays and holidays.

A Richmond mother, who wishes to remain anonymous due to the contentious nature of her divorce, says the class helped her to establish strategies to avoid conflict with her ex as well as understand what her children are going through.

“I know my son is stressed,” she says, confiding lately the 5-year-old has become a bit defiant, while her 13-year-old daughter has been struggling at school.

“That’s their way of acting out. They’re hurting inside,” she says. As she learned in the program, they struggle with articulating their feelings.

Nancy Nybergh, an instructor of the class and a licensed psychoanalyst who works for the city Department of Education, warns that the “level of conflict [between divorcing spouses] can have a huge impact on children’s success in life.”

Things like portraying a co-parent in a negative light or having heated arguments in front of the kids can have detrimental psychological effects on them.

To help co-parents avoid these destructive behaviors, Ms. Nybergh teaches them how to manage their anger, recognizing their triggers and identifying techniques to cope with it.

She also tries getting parents to identify with what their children may be experiencing, like believing the split somehow is their fault and wishing Mom and Dad will get back together.

“Once parents are aware of these things, they usually have empathy for their children,” she says.

Additionally, the course demonstrates to parents they are not alone in this difficult transition.

Notes Ms. Nybergh, “It has a normalizing effect as they process the emotions that come from divorce, such as grief and loss.”

HONING COMMUNICATION SKILLS

The psychoanalyst also works with parents in boosting their communication skills, teaching them how to paraphrase what the other person says to show they’re listening, and the importance of “I,” as opposed to “you” statements. Such as: “I get annoyed when you’re late dropping Johnny off — not “You’re always late dropping Johnny off,” which puts the other person on the defensive.

Altobelli says the class made him realize the importance of using these techniques, motivating him to “choose [his] words more carefully” and “think before [he] spoke.”

They have been especially effective strategies with his kids, he says, noting he now understands more fully what they are experiencing.

“It’s amazing, the change. We communicate a lot better now,” he says, adding it has led to other positive changes.

“You know these things in the back of mind, but the course really hit it all home,” he concludes.

By Elise G. McIntosh/Staten Island Advance. Published: Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Elise McIntosh, editor of the Relationships section, may be reached at mcintosh@siadvance.com.

© 2012 SILive.com. All rights reserved.

The Bach Family: Raising Young Philanthropists:

Nine year-old Henry Bach (who participates in our After-School Enrichment Program at P.S. 30 along with his sister Madelyn) pledged $100 to NYCID at our Annual Benefit this past June.  We were so impressed with both Henry and his sister Madelyn's generosity that we asked them, and their father Ken, to share their stories with us.

Henry

How old are you & what grade are you in?  I'm nine and I'm in fourth grade.

What activities do you participate in through NYCID’s After-School Program?  I did fencing and Legos. Legos was kind of boring because it wasn't really Legos and fencing was awesome. I got to sword fight with some of my best friends and learned that fencing is a lot like light sabers. 

What are your favorite hobbies/subjects?  My favorite hobbies include basketball and baseball. My favorite subject is social studies because we get to learn about presidents and do interesting research on them. 

How did you raise the money you donated?  I've made lemonade stands with my sister and I save my birthday money. If my dad offers me $5 to spend at the dollar store, I usually only spend one or two. 

Why did you want to donate? What inspired you to want to give to NYCID?  I wanted to donate because my dad works with people at NYCID and it helps my school. It helps me make friends in the programs.  I want to compliment Dominick and the man from Camelot on how nice they were. 

What do you hope the money you donated will accomplish?  I hope the money makes more programs to help more people and make them happy. I hope it keeps people out of hobo shelters. Giving the money makes me a better person. 

Madelyn made the winning bid on the silent auction item for a party at the Staten Island Zoo

How old are you & what grade are you in?  I am ten years old and I'm in fifth grade.

Madelyn Bach

What activities do you participate in through NYCID’s After-School Program?  When I was in fourth grade I participated in the drama program. It was fun because I made new friends. Also we did fun exercises. I learned “Bruno the Bear sits in the sun munching lots of honey buns.”  We had to say it in a funny voice to exercise our voices.

What are your favorite hobbies/subjects?  I like to sing and dance. My favorite subject is PE because you're sitting in a classroom all day and you get to exercise and hang out with your friends. I like art class because you learn about artists and you learn how to paint.

How did you raise the money you donated?  My friend and I sold lemonade from her front yard to the neighborhood and some really annoying and gross kids. But money is money! I also save my money from my birthday.

Why did you want to donate? What inspired you to want to give to NYCID?  I donated money because I wanted to help support the program and help families in trouble and because I really wanted a Zoo party.

What do you hope the money you donated will accomplish?  I hope the money I donated can help people.

Their Father, Ken Bach, Shares His Perspective

How did you teach your children about charitable giving? Leadership by example is more than a catchphrase on a motivational poster. Children are amazing.  They learn from every clue around them.  I haven’t taught them about charitable giving – they have learned by what we do.

Through Rotary, I have been giving back to the community for many years.  My children ask about Rotary and where I am going. I always tell them, “I am going out to change the world!”  Later, as we drive around the island, I show them where we’ve served holiday meals to the homeless, where we assembled turkey baskets and the neighborhoods we deliver to, and the parks that we help maintain.  This year, they are both eager to join me on these and other projects. 

Often we get, “Why do we need a babysitter again tonight?” Well, a frequent response begins with “Because Mommy and Daddy are going to a fundraiser.”  We let them know the goal might be to help raise scholarships for really smart students who can’t afford college or the local Boy Scout troop or children with autism.  When they heard we were attending the NYCID event, and that it was the organization that ran the after-school programs that touched their lives, there was no keeping them away.

Ken and Henry Bach

Were you surprised by Madelyn & Henry’s actions at our benefit? I was surprised at how comfortable they felt at the event, and that Henry actually chose to wear a button down shirt without being asked.  Madelyn was intrigued by the silent auction items, and I was proud that she came to us and informed us that she wrote her name on the item of her choice.  We approved her bid amount and she was amazed she won, especially since Mom and Dad won nothing.

And yes, I was shocked by Henry’s energetic and unanticipated hand raising at the $1,000 challenge request, amused at his persistence down the scale, and proud of his $100 contribution.  They still talk about the event, further spreading the culture of giving with their friends.   

Do you talk with them about people that need help? Given my job, family activities and our community, there are always conversations.  Part of parenting is helping the children to make sense of the millions of clues they need to assimilate.  It is important my children acknowledge they may not have as many material goods as some, but that they do have more than many.  They know when to accept help and when to provide help.  

Is this the first time they’ve made charitable contributions?  Henry and Madelyn have a long history of compassion and giving back, although this was the first time in such a sophisticated setting.  While attending elementary school in upstate NY, Madelyn hosted a web-based TV show where she interviewed the administration and staff.  She was honored by the City of Kingston for her artwork, which was later placed into a gallery that helped raise awareness of the dangers of swimming after the unfortunate drowning of an eight-year-old.  Madelyn and Henry also organized sledding parties where kids brought new, wrapped toys that we delivered to local children in need.   Recently, Madelyn hosted a lemonade stand to raise money for her CYO basketball team, and they both want to volunteer for the Parks Department.

Do you have any advice for others?  As you enjoy the company of friends, remember those who are lonely.  As you embrace your family, remember those who are in conflict.  As you sit down to dinner, remember those without a meal.  Donate and help make a difference.  Volunteer and change a life. You may be surprised that the life that most benefits from the change is your own.   

Is there anything else you would like to share?  NYCID’s outreach programs provide a rich after-school curriculum to help expand a child’s horizons for working and stay-at-home parents, and their conflict management programs help people learn how to emerge victorious from a seemingly hopeless situation.

Also, walk the Greenbelt. Look at the nighttime sky. Relearning our place in the universe is a great way to put our existence into context.

Do you have some suggestions about how to grow young philanthropists? Please share them in the comments below.

Developing the Habit of Philanthropy in Children

Here are some additional resources for helping to teach children about philanthropy:

• 10 Great Philanthropists Who Are Kids

You'll love these young philanthropists. They will inspire you, as they have inspired us.

Here's one of our favorites, #3 Timothy Hwang and Minsoo Han:

In 2007, Timothy Hwang and Minsoo Han started Operation Fly, when they were only 14 years old. Their non-profit business offers cut-rate tutoring services to inner city students, and then uses the revenues to distribute blankets, clothing and soap to Washington D.C.’s homeless. Their organization has since spread to five cities, involves over 800 volunteers and is entirely student-run. For his efforts, Ernst & Young and Junior Achievement named Timothy Hwang the 2009 Youth Entrepreneur of the Year for the Greater Washington Region. 

Here are some additional links.

• Learning to Give


• Talk About Giving


• Charity: How to Teach Your Kids To Give
  From CBS Money Watch
  


• 9 Ways to Teach Your Child About Charity
  From Parents Magazine


• Not Your Parents’ Money Book
  By Jean Chatzky of the Today Show 


• Five Great Ways to Teach Your Child About Philanthropy
  


• 65 Easy Ways For Kids to Make A Difference!
  By HandsOn Network’s blog


• Pennies for Elephants – How to raise budding philanthropists


• We Give Books Poll on Reading and Giving
  By the Pearson Foundation
  

Co-Parents Need To Learn How To Share

Reprinted from the SI Advance.

Co-parents need to learn how to share
By: Elise G. McIntosh

STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. -- Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, New Year’s — they can be a landmine for co-parents to navigate. Just-divorced exes, not yet settled into a co-parenting groove, especially may struggle with ironing out who will get the kids during the holidays and other issues that crop up.

Sequoia Stalder and Cara Raich, partners at Stalder Raich, a Manhattan-based family and divorce mediation firm, say the key to co-parenting during the holiday season — anytime, really — is plenty of planning and communication.

Stalder, who also serves as the director of Conflict Resolution Services at New York Center for Interpersonal Development in St. George, suggests co-parents speak about the holidays well in advance so everyone — including the kids — has clear expectations about what’s going to happen on those days.

When making arrangements, he suggested co-parents have the conversation close enough to the holiday to have a realistic idea about plans but far enough to make modifications, if need be.

“It differs for each family,” he said, but generally planning six to eight weeks before the holiday works well.

Stalder also said having a yearly holiday plan in place — while still remaining flexible for the surprises that inevitably come up — can help reduce stress and aggravation.

Ms. Raich noted many co-parents they have counseled alternate having the children for the holidays.

Each family has to decide which method works best for them, but one system that works well is switching according to the calendar year. For instance, Dad gets the kids for Christmas during years that end in even numbers while Mom has them during odd-numbered years.

Ms. Raich says it also is helpful for co-parents to view the holidays as a block of time that can be divided up. Christmas, for example, may be broken up into eve, morning and night, giving kids the opportunity to spend a portion of the holiday with both Mom and Dad.

Co-parents also should discuss the logistics of picking up and dropping off the children during the planning stages, said Ms. Raich.

“Be as specific as you can,” she said, explaining, “Discussing the small details can help in diffusing conflict.”

Flexibility and a forgiving attitude also go a long way. If your ex is late or suddenly makes a change to the plans, “try not to access the angry place first,” said Ms. Raich.

Rather, she encourages an ex-spouse to see it from his/her co-parent’s perspective and try to understand why he or she needed to revise the plan.

When picking up/dropping off the kids to/from a holiday celebration, avoid having an involved conversation with your ex.

“This is not the time to have a substantial talk,” Ms. Raich said.

Stalder said co-parents need to be mindful of their communication. If a hostile tone starts creeping into the conversation, make sure the kids aren’t within earshot.

“You don’t want to expose them to your conflict,” he explained, noting it can do damage, emotionally.

To avoid getting into a heated discussion, Stalder recommends “I” messages.

“Focus on your feelings versus accusations,” he said. “Really try to express what’s important to you rather than blaming the other side.”

If tensions between you and your ex continue to flare, it may be prudent to have a consultation with a mediator like Stalder and Ms. Raich, who work with co-parents in reaching mutually beneficial solutions.

The New York Center for Interpersonal Development also has a family mediation program that helps divorcing spouses deal with custody and visitation issues. The services are free to Staten Islanders. To learn more, call (718) 815-4557 and ask for the Mediation Center or visit nycid.org.

Class helps co-parents deal with their issues | SILive.com

Last week our ACT class received some nice press in the SI Advance.

Class helps co-parents deal with their issues | SILive.com: "Class helps co-parents deal with their issues
By Elise G. McIntosh
February 25, 2010, 4:03PM

Feuding with your co-parent? The New York Center for Interpersonal Development has just the class for you.

Parent A.C.T. (Assisting Children through Transition), the Staten Island component of the state-run Parent Education and Awareness Program, is designed to educate divorcing or separating parents about the impact of their breakup on their children.

The primary goal of the program is to teach parents ways they can reduce the stress of family changes and protect their children from the negative effects of ongoing parental conflict.

'The main themes of the program are to help parents reduce conflict through better communication and conflict-resolution skills and gain more awareness on how putting children in the middle can negatively affect them,' said Regina Shields, coordinator of the class.

The workshop is offered either as a six-hour class on Saturdays or two three-hour classes during weekday evenings.

Ms. Shields also said the class can help parents acknowledge all the negative emotions they are feeling after a drawn-out divorce process.

'Next to death, this is the most traumatic experience a family can go through,' she said, noting parents may be so focused on their own feelings of frustration, guilt, blame and depression that they forget their kids are suffering just the same. Ms. Shields said this realization is a 'real eye-opener' for co-parents.

Communication also is a big focus of the class. Participants learn about active listening, speaking calmly, 'I' statements – 'all the things that can really help de-escalate the conflict quickly,' she said.

The class also helps participants identify their goals as co-parents.

'Nine out of 10 times people are much happier and come out of the class understanding the situation much better,' said Ms. Shields.

For more information or to enroll in the class, call 718-947-4048. The cost is $100; there is a sliding scale fee."

Image cropped from a photo by Ed Yourdon

Bill of Rights for Children whose Parents are Separated

If you are separated from your child's other parent, take these rights to heart.

If you want to learn how to manage your relationship with your child's other parent, consider our ACT class.

Bill of Rights for Children whose Parents are Separated

1. The right to freedom from pressure to “choose sides” between parents

2. The right to freedom from the details of the legal proceedings between parents.

3. The right to freedom from hearing negative comments about the other parent’s personality or character.

4. The right to privacy when talking to a parent on the telephone.

5. The right to freedom from “cross-examination” about visits with the other parent.

6. The right to freedom from the role of messenger between parents

7. The right to freedom from requests to lie to the other parent.

8. The right to freedom from the role of confidant in adult matters.

9. The right to express feelings, whatever those feelings may be.

10. The right to choose to withhold feelings.

11. The right to protection from parental “warfare.”

12. The right to freedom from pressure to feel guilty for loving both parents

For More Information or To Register Please Contact:

A.C.T. Program Administrator

Telephone (718) 947-4048

A.C.T. – For the Children

Reducing the stress of a breakup on children

Read the Bill of Rights for Children Whose Parents Are Separated

“I can see a big difference. They can talk to each other now without yelling. That helps a lot. My stomach doesn’t hurt as much and I can concentrate better in school. -- a child

What is A.C.T. – For the Children?

A.C.T. – For the Children (Assisting Children through Transition) is a program designed to educate divorcing or separating parents about the impact of their breakup on their children. The primary goal of the program is to teach parents ways they can reduce the stress of family changes and protect their children from the negative effects of ongoing parental conflict.

“The program changed our lives. It gave us all a new direction…one of hope and healing. I see too many people oozing with anger…I don’t want to go there anymore.” --- a mother

Who are the instructors?

The classes are conducted by psychologists, family therapists, social workers, judges, lawyers, and mediators in a classroom setting. Instructors will provide information through lecture, video tape, role-play, and discussion.

What is the program format?

The program consists of two, 3 hour sessions held one week apart. The program will involve lecture, video, and group activities. This program does not provide counseling or support services. Classes are limited to 40 people. Please note, you will not be placed in the same class as the other parent of your child(ren).

Is this program for everyone?

A.C.T. – For the Children may not be appropriate when domestic abuse is present. If you are involved with an abusive partner, you should call the A.C.T. Program Administrator at (718) 947-4048 for further information before enrolling.

Is there a fee for the program?

The program fee is $100. A $10 non-refundable deposit is required at intake. A sliding scale fee is available for eligible clients. Eligibility will be determined at intake. Acceptable methods of payment are cash or money order only.

Are there any materials provided?

Participants will be provided with a Resource Manual and Handbook for Parents which contains a compilation of places where parents and children can find help and support, a list of helpful reading materials, and informative articles.

When and where are classes held?

Please refer to the confidential enrollment form for a listing of class dates and times. Classes will be held in the St. George neighborhood of Staten Island, unless otherwise informed. The specific location will be given when registration is confirmed.

What are the attendance requirements?

You must attend both classes to receive a Certificate of Compliance. Sign-in sheets will be used to ensure compliance.

If you fail to attend a class for which you have registered, you will need to submit a new registration. You will not be registered in another class until all new applicants have first been placed.

Children are not permitted to attend classes.

“It was such an excellent program. The message of healing and rebuilding a positive parenting relationship is so important…there will be two healthier children because of it.” ---- a father

For More Information or To Register Please Contact:

A.C.T. Program Administrator

Telephone (718) 947-4048

Kids: 10 ways to entertain young children for $1 or less (without the TV) - Lifehacker

Kids: 10 ways to entertain young children for $1 or less (without the TV) - Lifehacker:
Sick of paying hundreds of dollars for toys your kids don't play with? Tired of the latest toy catching your child's attention and having it turn out to be something you consider offensive (Bratz) or impossible to acquire (break dancing Elmo)?"

Thought you might be interested in this post from Lifehacker. Check it out.

Medical Billing Course for Parents

Our after school program at Curtis High School sponsored a medical billing course for 22 unemployed parents -- the first time we've ventured into programming for parents that focused on a subject other than parenting.

Parents often brought their children along. They could do their homework while their parents learned.

Parents met the school staff and became more familiar with the help available for their children. They learned more about the after school program, too. And, one parent found the help she needed to get her child tested for a learning disability she suspected, but had never been diagnosed.

So, we're excited about this course and the potential for other courses for parents in the future. So are the participants.

Everyone finished the course. Now we're watching to see how many get jobs.

Congratulations, graduates. And, best of luck. You've set a wonderful example for your children.

Youth Sports: Cheating, Arguing, and Overall Abuse

Here's the good, the bad, and the ugly about what parents and coaches have been teaching youth in sports programs across the country. From a survey by the National Alliance for Youth Sports.

National Alliance for Youth Sports: "What makes much of these findings even more frightening are the explanations given for them.

Fourteen percent of all youth surveyed claimed that cheating was acceptable behavior, and 32 percent said arguing with officials is just part of the game.

Unfortunately, the responses from the parents and coaches were not much better. Of the coaches surveyed, 7 percent claimed to allow cheating, 8 percent encouraged players to hurt opposing athletes, 33 percent admitted to yelling at players for mistakes, and 20 percent admitted to making fun of less skilled players.

Thirteen percent of parents admitted to criticizing their child’s athletic performance, and sadly, 4 percent of the athletes recalled a coach hitting, kicking, or slapping them.

This study is in line with an unfortunate growing trend in youth sports today, one that favors the win-at-all-cost philosophy over fun, participation, and safety."

Use the link to read the whole article.

Teaching mediation skills to parents helps siblings resolve conflicts

Here's a press release that suggests additional services that mediation centers can offer --

"Children whose parents were trained in mediation skills had better conflict-resolution skills than those whose parents did not receive training. That's the finding of a new study conducted by researchers at the University of Waterloo in Ontario and published in the May/June 2007 issue of the journal Child Development.

The study examined the effects of parents' mediation of sibling conflicts on children's conflict understanding and resolution skills. Mediation is a conflict management technique in which a neutral third party (in this case, the parent) intervenes in a conflict to help the people in the dispute reach a mutually satisfactory solution."

Read more, including the long-term benefits: Teaching mediation skills to parents helps siblings resolve conflicts

Photo by Mandus

Being Reflective - Recent Statistics

In the Dispute Resolution field, whether as a mediator, negotiatior or other conflict engager, it is always important to reflect on our practice and to debrief after action.

Recently, the Community Mediation Program had the opportunity to examine the work that it has done and found a few noteworthy points about our practice.

· 88% of all complaints are appropriate for mediation

· 91% of all scheduled mediations are held

· 87% of all sessions held achieve resolution

In addition, we found the follwing about the past year's worth of service:

· The Small Claims Pilot Program increased direct services within Civil Court by 200%.

· $878,491.72 was awarded, entered into judgment or restitution paid through dispute resolution services. (March 2006-2007)

· The Supervised Visitation Program provided a total of 12,816 direct client contact hours to 43 families. (September 2004 to December 2006)

· Participants in the Assisting Children Through Transition (ACT) Parent Education Program said,

o 81% of parents indicated a greater understanding of how children are affected by the break up or divorce; and

o 89% stated that they learned valuable ways to help strengthen their relationship with their children

For more informatio about any of these programs, contact us at 718-815-4557. We look forward to working with you.

Looking forward to a Stress-Free Summer?

In the summer, our daily rhythms can change: children are out of school, the weather is warm and even uncomfortable at times, and people are taking vacation. For parents in particular, these factors can contribute to stress.

Here are a few tips that might help make the summer less stressful and more structured.

• Establish a budget for summer spending. Be realistic about what you can afford to spend on entertainment, special foods, travel, etc.
• Hold a family meeting to discuss summer plans. Ask for ideas from the children for family activities that would appeal to them.
• Post a calendar of family activities in a place where all family members will see it.
• Check community calendars and local lists of events to find inexpensive or free activities for children. Write all possibilities on individual slips of brightly colored paper and put them in a "summer fun jar." When children have been especially cooperative with other family members, allow them to choose a slip of paper from the jar. Then, the family can enjoy an afternoon of fun activity together.
• Have your children make a list of elderly or shut-in neighbors in your area. Plan to share a meal, some of your time, or run errands for these neighbors. Explain to children that helping and sharing are important elements.
• Find time to relax and reflect on the simple joys of the summer. When you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed, take a break to get a better perspective on what needs to be done and what can be done.
• If you find that it is becoming difficult to avoid being verbally or physically harsh with your children, STOP. Don't take out your anger on your kids. Instead, try the following:
  · Take a deep breath and count to 20.
  · Phone a friend.
  · Take a walk outside, or use another form of exercise.
  · Laugh. Even a comedy show on television will help relieve stress.
  · Spend one hour doing something you really enjoy.

The above tips come from organization, Prevent Child Abuse Texas, on how to have a stress-free summer.

Photo by Anosmia

Keeping Children Busy

When I was a kid, my mother believed that if I stayed busy enough after school I'd stay out of trouble. Her strategy worked most of the time. And, SAMHSA just released a paper supporting her approach.

They found that, regardless of income level, youth who participated in school-based, community-based, church or faith-based, or other activities had lower rates of cigarette, alcohol, or illicit drug use than those who did not participate. And the more activity, the lower the usage rate.

For example, the rates of illicit drug use were 18.3% for youth who participated in no such activities, 11.9% for those with 1-3 activities, 9.4% for 4-6 activities, and 6.8% for 7 or more youth activities in the past year.

Unfortunately, youth from families with lower income participated in activities at a lower rate than others. So a successful strategy for reducing substance abuse among youth from low income families would include access to out of school activities. That underscores the importance of expanding low and no-cost after school activities for all children.

This Short Report, The NSDUH Report: Youth Activities, Substance Use, and Family Income, is based on SAMHSA's National Survey on Drug Use and Health, conducted by the Office of Applied Studies (OAS) in the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). SAMHSA's National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH) is the primary source of information on the prevalence, patterns, and consequences of drug and alcohol use and abuse in the general U.S. civilian non institutionalized population, age 12 and older. The NSDUH also provides estimates for drug use by State.

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When Parents and Teens Have Problems

When a problem arises ...

Don’t ignore it! And, don’t fan the flames!

Sit down together.

Think before reacting.

Listen to your teenager: to understand, not to respond.

Reflect on your own role in this conflict.

Think about what you really want and need,

not what you are “out to get.”

Look for common concerns.

Focus on the future, not the past.

Work it out.

Make your home a
more comfortable place.

Try Parent/Teen Mediation—It Works!

For more information on Parent/Teen Mediation contact Liz Bonici at (718) 947-4036

Preventing Drug Abuse among Children and Adolescents

If you have children, or work with children, you should take a look at this updated publication from the National Institute on Drug Abuse. They offer both a brief pamphlet and a complete edition useful for program planning. Both are free for download.

Preventing Drug Abuse among Children and Adolescents

"This In Brief Web edition provides highlights from the Preventing Drug Use among Children and Adolescents: A Research-Based Guide for Parents, Educators, and Community Leaders, Second Edition booklet. It presents the updated prevention principles, an overview of program planning, and critical first steps for those learning about prevention."Preventing Drug Abuse among Children and Adolescents - Index:

How Mediation Compares to Litigation: One State’s Experience

The results of a twelve-year Virginia study were astounding. The authors not only concluded that on average parents preferred mediation to adversary settlement and that mediation produces higher levels of satisfaction than the adversarial process, but also that parents who initially were unable to come to decisions on their own were able to cooperate for their children in the long run.

The study looked at parents who were unable to cooperate regarding custody decisions and petitioned a Juvenile and Domestic Relations Court in Virginia for a custody hearing. They were offered either mediation or the traditional adversary process. They were not given a choice. A sample set of thirty five mediation families and thirty six litigation families was established.

This was a true experimental design in which the parties were randomly assigned alternative conditions to overcome the likelihood that the more naturally cooperative parties would chose mediation over litigation.

The results?

The mediation group experienced significant benefits:

• Parents who mediated settled their disputes in half the time

• Parents in mediation were 80% more likely to make all decisions without a third party decision-maker.

• When unable to make all full agreements in mediation, many parties still settled out of court.

• Parents were more satisfied at three study points after agreement was reached: 6 weeks the initial settlement, 1 ½ years later, and 12 years later.

Long-term family relationships and psychological adjustment were better in the mediation group:

The study found that an average of 5 hours of mediation resulted in several significant differences in the amount of parent child contact over a period of 12 years.

• 30% of non-residential parents saw children once a week or more vs. 9 % of those in the adversary group

• 54% of non-resident parents spoke to their children once a week vs. 11% of those in the adversary group

These findings are published in the article, "Divorce Mediation: Research and Reflections" by Robert Emery, et. al., in Family Court Review, Vol. 43., pp. 22-37, (2005).

For more information about mediation services for divorce, please contact Sequoia Stalder, Esq., at (718) 947-4038.

How to help your child cope with the break-up of the family

When their relationships fail, many parents ask themselves, "How can I help my children understand and cope with all these changes?"

Separation and divorce plunges every family into a difficult period. Both adults and children experience the trauma of this change. It doesn't matter how bad things were before the split; the actual separation brings its own set of issues.

Children are extremely vulnerable during this period. Children living through the break
up of their family due to separation and divorce may:

• Feel anxious and worried about their family relationships and living circumstances
• Blame themselves or others for the family changes

Not that every divorce leads to such negative effects on the healthy development of children (Click here for other factors)

You can take constructive steps to protect your children from the long lasting trauma that frequently results from separation and divorce.

Attend Assisting Children Through Transition -- A.C.T. for the Children -- a course offered by the New York Center, a certified Parent Education Provider.

To learn more about this program, contact us at 718-947-4048 or email us at parented@nycid.org.

For information about the NYS Parent Education Initiative, click here.