The Bach Family: Raising Young Philanthropists:

Nine year-old Henry Bach (who participates in our After-School Enrichment Program at P.S. 30 along with his sister Madelyn) pledged $100 to NYCID at our Annual Benefit this past June.  We were so impressed with both Henry and his sister Madelyn's generosity that we asked them, and their father Ken, to share their stories with us.

Henry

How old are you & what grade are you in?  I'm nine and I'm in fourth grade.

What activities do you participate in through NYCID’s After-School Program?  I did fencing and Legos. Legos was kind of boring because it wasn't really Legos and fencing was awesome. I got to sword fight with some of my best friends and learned that fencing is a lot like light sabers. 

What are your favorite hobbies/subjects?  My favorite hobbies include basketball and baseball. My favorite subject is social studies because we get to learn about presidents and do interesting research on them. 

How did you raise the money you donated?  I've made lemonade stands with my sister and I save my birthday money. If my dad offers me $5 to spend at the dollar store, I usually only spend one or two. 

Why did you want to donate? What inspired you to want to give to NYCID?  I wanted to donate because my dad works with people at NYCID and it helps my school. It helps me make friends in the programs.  I want to compliment Dominick and the man from Camelot on how nice they were. 

What do you hope the money you donated will accomplish?  I hope the money makes more programs to help more people and make them happy. I hope it keeps people out of hobo shelters. Giving the money makes me a better person. 

Madelyn made the winning bid on the silent auction item for a party at the Staten Island Zoo

How old are you & what grade are you in?  I am ten years old and I'm in fifth grade.

Madelyn Bach

What activities do you participate in through NYCID’s After-School Program?  When I was in fourth grade I participated in the drama program. It was fun because I made new friends. Also we did fun exercises. I learned “Bruno the Bear sits in the sun munching lots of honey buns.”  We had to say it in a funny voice to exercise our voices.

What are your favorite hobbies/subjects?  I like to sing and dance. My favorite subject is PE because you're sitting in a classroom all day and you get to exercise and hang out with your friends. I like art class because you learn about artists and you learn how to paint.

How did you raise the money you donated?  My friend and I sold lemonade from her front yard to the neighborhood and some really annoying and gross kids. But money is money! I also save my money from my birthday.

Why did you want to donate? What inspired you to want to give to NYCID?  I donated money because I wanted to help support the program and help families in trouble and because I really wanted a Zoo party.

What do you hope the money you donated will accomplish?  I hope the money I donated can help people.

Their Father, Ken Bach, Shares His Perspective

How did you teach your children about charitable giving? Leadership by example is more than a catchphrase on a motivational poster. Children are amazing.  They learn from every clue around them.  I haven’t taught them about charitable giving – they have learned by what we do.

Through Rotary, I have been giving back to the community for many years.  My children ask about Rotary and where I am going. I always tell them, “I am going out to change the world!”  Later, as we drive around the island, I show them where we’ve served holiday meals to the homeless, where we assembled turkey baskets and the neighborhoods we deliver to, and the parks that we help maintain.  This year, they are both eager to join me on these and other projects. 

Often we get, “Why do we need a babysitter again tonight?” Well, a frequent response begins with “Because Mommy and Daddy are going to a fundraiser.”  We let them know the goal might be to help raise scholarships for really smart students who can’t afford college or the local Boy Scout troop or children with autism.  When they heard we were attending the NYCID event, and that it was the organization that ran the after-school programs that touched their lives, there was no keeping them away.

Ken and Henry Bach

Were you surprised by Madelyn & Henry’s actions at our benefit? I was surprised at how comfortable they felt at the event, and that Henry actually chose to wear a button down shirt without being asked.  Madelyn was intrigued by the silent auction items, and I was proud that she came to us and informed us that she wrote her name on the item of her choice.  We approved her bid amount and she was amazed she won, especially since Mom and Dad won nothing.

And yes, I was shocked by Henry’s energetic and unanticipated hand raising at the $1,000 challenge request, amused at his persistence down the scale, and proud of his $100 contribution.  They still talk about the event, further spreading the culture of giving with their friends.   

Do you talk with them about people that need help? Given my job, family activities and our community, there are always conversations.  Part of parenting is helping the children to make sense of the millions of clues they need to assimilate.  It is important my children acknowledge they may not have as many material goods as some, but that they do have more than many.  They know when to accept help and when to provide help.  

Is this the first time they’ve made charitable contributions?  Henry and Madelyn have a long history of compassion and giving back, although this was the first time in such a sophisticated setting.  While attending elementary school in upstate NY, Madelyn hosted a web-based TV show where she interviewed the administration and staff.  She was honored by the City of Kingston for her artwork, which was later placed into a gallery that helped raise awareness of the dangers of swimming after the unfortunate drowning of an eight-year-old.  Madelyn and Henry also organized sledding parties where kids brought new, wrapped toys that we delivered to local children in need.   Recently, Madelyn hosted a lemonade stand to raise money for her CYO basketball team, and they both want to volunteer for the Parks Department.

Do you have any advice for others?  As you enjoy the company of friends, remember those who are lonely.  As you embrace your family, remember those who are in conflict.  As you sit down to dinner, remember those without a meal.  Donate and help make a difference.  Volunteer and change a life. You may be surprised that the life that most benefits from the change is your own.   

Is there anything else you would like to share?  NYCID’s outreach programs provide a rich after-school curriculum to help expand a child’s horizons for working and stay-at-home parents, and their conflict management programs help people learn how to emerge victorious from a seemingly hopeless situation.

Also, walk the Greenbelt. Look at the nighttime sky. Relearning our place in the universe is a great way to put our existence into context.

Do you have some suggestions about how to grow young philanthropists? Please share them in the comments below.

Developing the Habit of Philanthropy in Children

Here are some additional resources for helping to teach children about philanthropy:

• 10 Great Philanthropists Who Are Kids

You'll love these young philanthropists. They will inspire you, as they have inspired us.

Here's one of our favorites, #3 Timothy Hwang and Minsoo Han:

In 2007, Timothy Hwang and Minsoo Han started Operation Fly, when they were only 14 years old. Their non-profit business offers cut-rate tutoring services to inner city students, and then uses the revenues to distribute blankets, clothing and soap to Washington D.C.’s homeless. Their organization has since spread to five cities, involves over 800 volunteers and is entirely student-run. For his efforts, Ernst & Young and Junior Achievement named Timothy Hwang the 2009 Youth Entrepreneur of the Year for the Greater Washington Region. 

Here are some additional links.

• Learning to Give


• Talk About Giving


• Charity: How to Teach Your Kids To Give
  From CBS Money Watch
  


• 9 Ways to Teach Your Child About Charity
  From Parents Magazine


• Not Your Parents’ Money Book
  By Jean Chatzky of the Today Show 


• Five Great Ways to Teach Your Child About Philanthropy
  


• 65 Easy Ways For Kids to Make A Difference!
  By HandsOn Network’s blog


• Pennies for Elephants – How to raise budding philanthropists


• We Give Books Poll on Reading and Giving
  By the Pearson Foundation
  

Co-Parents Need To Learn How To Share

Reprinted from the SI Advance.

Co-parents need to learn how to share
By: Elise G. McIntosh

STATEN ISLAND, N.Y. -- Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, New Year’s — they can be a landmine for co-parents to navigate. Just-divorced exes, not yet settled into a co-parenting groove, especially may struggle with ironing out who will get the kids during the holidays and other issues that crop up.

Sequoia Stalder and Cara Raich, partners at Stalder Raich, a Manhattan-based family and divorce mediation firm, say the key to co-parenting during the holiday season — anytime, really — is plenty of planning and communication.

Stalder, who also serves as the director of Conflict Resolution Services at New York Center for Interpersonal Development in St. George, suggests co-parents speak about the holidays well in advance so everyone — including the kids — has clear expectations about what’s going to happen on those days.

When making arrangements, he suggested co-parents have the conversation close enough to the holiday to have a realistic idea about plans but far enough to make modifications, if need be.

“It differs for each family,” he said, but generally planning six to eight weeks before the holiday works well.

Stalder also said having a yearly holiday plan in place — while still remaining flexible for the surprises that inevitably come up — can help reduce stress and aggravation.

Ms. Raich noted many co-parents they have counseled alternate having the children for the holidays.

Each family has to decide which method works best for them, but one system that works well is switching according to the calendar year. For instance, Dad gets the kids for Christmas during years that end in even numbers while Mom has them during odd-numbered years.

Ms. Raich says it also is helpful for co-parents to view the holidays as a block of time that can be divided up. Christmas, for example, may be broken up into eve, morning and night, giving kids the opportunity to spend a portion of the holiday with both Mom and Dad.

Co-parents also should discuss the logistics of picking up and dropping off the children during the planning stages, said Ms. Raich.

“Be as specific as you can,” she said, explaining, “Discussing the small details can help in diffusing conflict.”

Flexibility and a forgiving attitude also go a long way. If your ex is late or suddenly makes a change to the plans, “try not to access the angry place first,” said Ms. Raich.

Rather, she encourages an ex-spouse to see it from his/her co-parent’s perspective and try to understand why he or she needed to revise the plan.

When picking up/dropping off the kids to/from a holiday celebration, avoid having an involved conversation with your ex.

“This is not the time to have a substantial talk,” Ms. Raich said.

Stalder said co-parents need to be mindful of their communication. If a hostile tone starts creeping into the conversation, make sure the kids aren’t within earshot.

“You don’t want to expose them to your conflict,” he explained, noting it can do damage, emotionally.

To avoid getting into a heated discussion, Stalder recommends “I” messages.

“Focus on your feelings versus accusations,” he said. “Really try to express what’s important to you rather than blaming the other side.”

If tensions between you and your ex continue to flare, it may be prudent to have a consultation with a mediator like Stalder and Ms. Raich, who work with co-parents in reaching mutually beneficial solutions.

The New York Center for Interpersonal Development also has a family mediation program that helps divorcing spouses deal with custody and visitation issues. The services are free to Staten Islanders. To learn more, call (718) 815-4557 and ask for the Mediation Center or visit nycid.org.

Five Uncommon Tips for the Holidays

The magazines will soon be full of holiday tips - watch your alcohol consumption, carve out a piece of time for yourself every day, - good, sensible tips. And, as an agency focused on interpersonal relationships, we decided to add our two-cents with five tips you won’t find in the popular press.

The best advice I ever received is lead with your behavior; your emotions will follow.

Granted it’s not perfect, but it works.

The advice came from the director of an emergency department. The staff was expert at saving lives, but their patients wrote to the hospital president not with thank yous but with complaints about staff attitudes. Fix it or be gone, the president finally told the ED director.

So, the director told the staff, pretend, exaggerate, but smile, be cheerful, be friendly. I don’t care whether that’s what you feel. That’s what we have to do.

At first it felt oh, so false. But, not for long.

Whether it’s magic, hormones, or the positive response of the people around you, you begin to feel the way you behave.  

And, that’s the first tip: BEHAVE THE WAY YOU WANT TO FEEL.

DIFFUSE AS MANY OF THE POTENTIAL LANDMINES AS YOU CAN IN ADVANCE.

If you’re an ex-, you know anything from changing the visitation schedule to who’s giving your son what can set off an explosion. And, anyone’s extended family can be plagued with who’s  hosting Thanksgiving this year to whether there should be a spending limit on presents.  Try to resolve these issues early - before the pressure of the holidays begins.

To prevent last-minute disappointment and squabbles, establish a game plan for the holidays well in advance so everyone is prepared for how things will be. “It's good to make agreements,” says O'Byrne. “In my family, the married couples take a turn at one set of in-laws', then the other in-laws' and then at their own home.” You and your brother always end up in an argument.

To read more about managing holiday conflicts, read Aileen Brabazon’s article here. And, if you have a particularly challenging issue to deal with, call our dispute resolution center at 815-4557.

 Ask yourself, IS THIS THE WAY I WANT MY CHILDREN (GRANDCHILDREN) TO REMEMBER THE HOLIDAYS?

Holly Pedersen offers this sage advice: [Developing a Holiday Visitation Schedule That Works! ]

Continually ask yourself: Are these the kinds of memories I want to create for my children? This question will enable you to stay focused on what is most important: your children and their well-being. ...Remind yourself that these experiences will shape their views of childhood and will impact their own relationships in adulthood. It is in your power to raise children who will become happy and healthy adults!

When it’s not, take action. Find a way to diffuse tense situations. Expect some conflict to emerge and be prepared to deal with it with a sense of humor or , just like you distract a two year old on the verge of a temper tantrum, redirect the conversation. Carlton Kendrick offers some smooth examples in his article When Relatives Visit

Does your family look different this year? LET GO OF FAMILY TRADITIONS THAT NO LONGER FIT; CREATE NEW TRADITIONS.

Your family’s profile may have changed because a wedding introduced a new son or daughter-in-law, a separation brings the complexity of scheduling children’s visits, a second marriage requires strategies for blending two sets of family traditions, death of a beloved family member needs to be acknowledged, or a move leaves you far from those you’ve always spent the holidays with. Whether the change is positive or negative, it’s time to re-think tradition, keep what works and re-invent the rest.

Terri Clark, in her article Creating New Holiday Traditions, gave this example:

Picture this scenario: A child who always got the job of placing the star at the top of the Christmas tree is anxious to finish the decorating so he can perform his duty. Then the unthinkable happens-an angel that has been in his new stepmother’s family for generations replaces the all-important star. Because of its fragile condition, she insists on placing it at the top of the tree herself. Both stepmother and stepchild feel threatened, and dad is in the middle-he can’t win. A wedge has been driven into a new and delicate relationship between stepchild and parent.

How would you resolve this? Terri offers some good approaches for thinking through old and new traditions.

MAKE FAMILY PHILANTHROPY PART OF YOUR HOLIDAY SEASON

Philanthropy takes many forms and every family works with financial constraints. And it’s those constraints that offer the framework for exploring your family’s values. Set aside an evening together to discuss what causes are important to each of you and why. Consider whether to donate money or time. Examine the agency’s reputation and performance. You can even look at a nonprofit agency's tax return, known as the 990 form, to assure yourself that the money is going where you want it to.

Family philanthropy not only benefits those you choose to help, it instills a lifelong habit of supporting what you value.

 So, these are our five uncommon tips:

1.       Behave the way you want to feel.

2.      Diffuse as many of the potential landmines as you can in advance.

3.      Ask yourself, is this the way I want my children (grandchildren) to remember the holidays?

4.      Let go of family traditions that no longer fit; create new traditions

5.      Make family philanthropy part of your holiday season 

We hope you find them useful. If you have other tips, examples of what you do to make the holidays fun, or questions others can help with, please add them in the comments below.

PS - If you found these tips helpful you can make a donation to NYCID here.